My First Horrible (and Humbling) First Date

Four years of dating in NYC and not a single bad date. First dates are especially enjoyable. Two hours of Yelp-curated funtimes with yourself — what’s not to love?

I got too cocky. I thought I perfected the art of first dates. I felt invincible. Karma decided to feed me some humble pie. By feed, I mean smash my face into.

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7:08: Why is he calling me? I told him I was a few blocks away.

7:12: Dude, just go inside the bar. It. Will. Be. Okay.

7:16: Well technically, I said 7-ish. So I’m still on time-ish. No? We’re still upset about the lateness? Okay, my bad.

7:17: Really glad I get to witness him argue with the bartender over the coloration of mezcal. Just order a drink, you prick.

7:18: Oh shit, he saw the eye-rolls. Look away!!

7:22: For the third time, nothing has been new in my life.

7:25: Nope, still nothing new in my life since you last asked me.

7:26: “Come on, tell me something exciting! Tell me about your life. Tell me about you. What’s new?”

7:27: Please give me the alcohol. Give it.

7:28: Really excited to partake in this questionnaire game he’s invented for first dates. I mean, why let conversation flow naturally when you can force it? Force talking is way more fun.

7:31: Fun fact #1: He’s on multiple dating sites, and he hates all of them.

7:32: Fun fact #2: He also hates NYC women. We’re all flakey and superficial and stuck up. Yes, I agree. But in our defense, pimpin’ ain’t easy.

7:33: NYC women are also ugly. Excuse you…?

7:34: Fun fact #3: He’s very passionate about people being flakey. Rainchecks are the devil.

7:35: Oh, that’s right. I did “raincheck” on him last month. I mean, it was an opportunity to eat tacos in bed. I know I made the right choice.

7:37: Fun fact #4: He doesn’t like silence. Conversations should never have breaks. Breaks are awkward. I like to call that breathing. To-ma-to. To-mah-to.

7:39: Question game is torturing my soul. I’m learning things I can’t unknow.

7:40: Can I leave? Is that rude?

7:41: Maybe I can do the emergency call thing.

7:42: Fun fact #5: Many women have flaked on him. He is very upset toward these women. I’m upset at these women, too. Lucky bitches.

7:43: Recounting all the instances where women from online dating sites have turned him down is attractive. I hope this is part of his first-date repertoire.

7:45: Fun fact #6: His favorite place in NYC is… I should get new shoes… dammit, what did he say? Fuck. I could’ve used a new Yelp bookmark.

7:46: Dammit, Uyen. Just leave. It’s still not too late to say you forgot to feed the cat.

7:46: Fine, you fool. Stay and suffer.

7:46: It’s my turn now. Ugh. I should’ve left.

7:47: What happened in my last relationship? I don’t know, dude… it expired?

7:48: My proudest moment ever? This question was definitely on one of my college applications. “Learning to speak english in the third grade.”

7:49: “Seriously? Third grade? So you peaked in the third grade? Haha.”

7:50: DIE.

7:50: “What? You don’t like sarcasm?”

7:51: If you don’t die right now, I will be livid with the world.

7:53: “How would your exes describe you?”

7:54: “Crazy.”

7:55: “What do you like to do on first dates?”

7:56: “Drink.”

7:56 — 8:03: Should I shop the J.Crew sale? It’s an extra 30% off. I could really use a new oxford.

8:04: The check!! FREEDOM!!!!!!!

8:05: “You’re welcome for the drink.”

8:05: You’re welcome for not stabbing you in your mouth with broken glass.