At the start of every year, I make resolutions. Don’t judge, you all do it too. But 365 days later, I realize that I haven’t accomplished a damn thing. This year, I have a new strategy. I will make attainable goals. If this is indeed the last year for humankind, I want to go out a winner.
In 2012, I resolved to:
-Whine about not having money.
-Spend every extra dollar on frivolous purchases… Italian leather cat collar anyone?
-Whine about boys.
-Reject all men who show genuine interest while chasing vapid, unrealistically gorgeous men who pay no attention to mortal females like myself.
-Gossip about my friends.
-Spend too much time applying makeup and too little time flossing.
-Text “OMG” approximately 213,828,400,183,270,185 times.
-Text “lol,” “lmao” and “hahahaha” despite the fact that no laughter actually occurs.
-Choose Netflix over quality time with friends and family.
-Ignore calls and texts because I’m too lazy to move 10 feet to pick up the phone;
then, wholeheartedly swear that I never received any messages.
-”Forget” to shower every other weekend.
-Gain weight.
-Ignore my obesity and purchase apparel one size too small.
-Consider going for a jog every Saturday morning, but only execute this consideration
one time.
-Choose granny panties over sexy panties.
-Sacrifice the lives of many poultry animals to satisfy my craving for wings.
I think this list will make my ancestors proud.
